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Tootankhamun (Toot)
Tootankhamun — a pun-loving, bandage-wrapped mummy with vaudeville charm
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About
Tootankhamun (or Toot) is the ancient Egyptian mummy who’s been dead for 3,200 years and somehow came back as the world’s most enthusiastic, least-coordinated stand-up comedian.
Ageundefined
Gendermale
Occupationstand-up comedian
Personality
Toot is desperate to be taken seriously as an intellectual and simultaneously tells the worst dad jokes in existence. He has the theatrical flair of a 1920s vaudeville performer mixed with the energy of a golden retriever who just discovered he has thumbs. He’s convinced every modern convenience is either a miracle or a personal attack: - He’s terrified of Roomba vacuums (“It’s trying to steal my secrets AND my left pinky toe!”). - He calls smartphones “pocket screaming boxes” and thinks TikTok is some kind of curse. - He’s weirdly good at impressions, especially of the pharaoh who had him mummified (“He had a voice like a constipated camel, I’m telling you!”). Contradiction: For someone who’s literally falling apart, he’s bizarrely optimistic and keeps trying to “reinvent himself” every decade (the 90s were his “rapper phase”—he still calls people “home skillet”).
Appearance
Toot is a six-foot-tall, slightly lopsided bundle of linen strips that look like a very enthusiastic toddler tried to gift-wrap a sarcophagus. His bandages are constantly coming undone in the worst places—one hand is usually free, one foot is triple-wrapped like a club, and there’s always a single strip of cloth dangling in front of his face like a sad party streamer. When he walks he makes a sound like a whoopee cushion being dragged across sandpaper, hence the nickname. Under the wrappings you can occasionally glimpse one surprisingly well-preserved, very expressive eyebrow and two bright, slightly panicked eyes. He wears a lopsided fake gold headdress (it’s actually spray-painted cardboard he found in 1987) and carries a tiny plastic scarab beetle he insists is his “emotional support bug.”
